Lie to Me, But Do It With Sincerity

While travelling, I find it reassuring to discover that so many things are truly universal.  Examples of Universal Truths include:

1) Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
2) The three days in each decade when I don't pack sunglasses, the sun will shine.
3) McDonald's always has slightly disappointing, but there-when-you-need-them restrooms.
4) People on public transit systems are stinky.
5) Nail technicians are full of crap.

Yesterday, I found a nail place across the street from our apartment.  About 10 minutes in I realize that I'm getting gel nails.  Ugh, damnit!  As near as I can tell, gel nails are applied by grinding off the top layer of your nail, gluing a tip to it and then applying several layers of gel which are then hardened by sticking your hand under a UV lamp.  You repeat the layering and lamp process a few times, adding color between some of the layers, and then are subjected to some annoying filing.  Voilà!  An hour and $75 later and you've got your claws (back home it's about $45--sigh).  Acrylics skip the lamp and use a powder that's combined with acetone.  They "cure" in air and are much more common in the U.S.. 

When I see the way you paint your lips
and I smell your perfume
when I see the brand new color
that you've dyed your hair, too
I know, you know, it's more than physical
My love, my love, my love, love is chemical
Lou Reed, "Love is Chemical"

I apologize in advance for the blurry photo.  Doisneau, I'm not.

Watching as she files, I realize that I can't very well leave, so I settle in for an expensive set of nails that isn't going to be quite what I want.  After the standard, "Where are you from" questions, the nail technician starts saying the same damned things I've heard from every nail technician who has ever done my nails.

Lie #1: These won't ruin your nails.  Okay, intrepid readers, let's test out this theory.  Run to Lowe's and pick up a dremel--a tiny drill.  Get a coarse grit barrel on that bad boy and go to town on your fingernails.  I guarantee they'll be ruined.

Lie #2: Your own nails will grow longer under the fakes.  Right, but then they start lifting and won't adhere unless you cut your real nails down to reapply the new tip.  Or they lift and you get a nice nail fungus under there.  And even if my nails truly could grow and stay longer under there, who cares?  Would having my own long nails buried under acrylic really be all that great a badge of womanhood, beauty or luxury?  Doubt it.

Lie #3: These look more natural.  This one's my favorite on two fronts.

Lie #3A: You won't be able to tell they're fakes.  Um, so you're telling me that I go from stubby, scraggily nails that don't even dream of extending past my fingertip to a set of 10 evenly-filed, perfectly rounded ellipses on the end of my fingers and nobody's going to be the wiser?  How dumb does she think my friends are?  Add to that the bright blue polish I chose.  Gee!  I'm sure I'm going to fool everyone I see tomorrow!

Lie #3B: Gels are more natural-looking than acrylics.  This is a great one because it's reversible.  If you're getting acrylics applied, you hear the inverse.  One thing I'll give her on this is that the way she air-brushed the color left it faded as you approach the nail bed.  So as it grows there's less of a stark line between polished area and non-polished area.  But again, refer to the choice of blue color and "natural" just isn't a word I'd apply to my nails right now.

BUT please know that in writing this I don't mean to say that nail technicians are idiots.  I'm trying to make a larger point about how we're all both experts and completely myopic in our areas of expertise.  For me, I suppose it's Zumba and child rearing.  I'll freely admit that I'm as full of crap as anybody on most subjects I yap about.  Want proof?  Check out my posts on Facebook.  It's all ranting and silliness with occasional bits of serious sentiment, support and love for my friends.

And to solve the eternal debate--acrylics are better.  These gels she put on are wavy, inconsistent, clunky things that will really look terrible as they grow out.  But maybe they'll be a natural-looking terrible?  Je ne sais pas.

Now, which of the five shirts I have here in Paris goes with the blue sparkle polish?